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    Remy Monroe

    Posts : 372
    Female Age : 26
    Daemon Name : Vex
    Eilemaiden : Earalas
    Location : Earalas Estate

    homeless

    Post by Remy Monroe on Wed Oct 15, 2014 11:18 pm

    What the hell. Remy rolled over for what had to have been the hundredth time, her hands ripping at her hair, which she was sure was an absolute mess. She opened her eyes and blinked a few times, letting her eyes adjust to the dark room. It had to be past midnight, and she still wasn't asleep. The few times she'd fallen under, she'd woken soon after.

    It was useless. On her days off, Remy was rarely able to fall asleep. When she kept busy her mind was much easier to keep in check than when she had hours to herself. If she went to bed without being absolutely exhausted from the day she wasn't able to sleep at all.

    Stop thinking about him, then, Vex grumbled. He was usually able to fall asleep without her, but when she tossed and turned all night it interrupted even his sleeping.

    You think I want this? Remy asked, agitated. She constantly was trying to keep Hadley out of her mind. It was hard, when everything reminded her of him. She'd spent so much time with him over the past several years that it seemed almost all her memories were tied up in him. It was hard to get over someone when you couldn't stop remembering how much you missed not having them there. She found herself, several times a day, wanting to talk to Hadley about something.

    Vex was still irritated by Remy's choice to leave the estate in the first place, so he had little sympathy for her. He understood her dedication to Lysander, but Vex wasn't as ready to accept that the general comforts he had received at the estate were gone for good. And it wasn't like Remy was happy with this decision, either. She was just too proud to admit it.

    But what killed Remy, surprisingly, wasn't the lack of creature comforts. She'd adjusted well, and quickly, to living in the apartment and working at the hotel. She realized quickly that though she'd tried thinking of herself as above this type of living, she'd never lost the resourceful nature she'd needed while she was growing up. No, the real issue was something that had come to her during one of her bouts of insomnia.

    Home wasn't the Earalas estate--not really. She'd been homesick for weeks, ever since she left and had come off her adrenaline high. It confused her at first. She was sure it was her bed, her room and adviser's suite, that she was feeling hollow about. She just wanted to go home, as she returned to her hotel room, and then small apartment room, night after night. But home, growing up, had never been the places she'd stayed. Home had been her mother. Home was a clio you loved--someone who made you feel safe and wanted and necessary.

    And just like that, she'd realized she was homesick for Hadley, who was home in a way nothing else was. Hadley, who was able to make her laugh when all she wanted to do was scream. Hadley, who was her best friend and lover, and who made her happier than anything else.

    What made the situation worse was that she had freely given that up. She'd chosen to leave the clio that made her feel happy and warm and home. And yet, she couldn't regret her decision, either, which just confused her even more. Lysander needed her--more than she needed Hadley. Which was why she had made her decision in the first place.

    Her brother wasn't the best clio in the world, she could admit that to herself. But was Hadley, either? Was it so awful of her to love someone who had experienced no love at all, before? She refused to give up on him, no matter the struggles she would have to put herself through. Everyone else in his life had given up on him--pushed him from house to house. If he had a lack of feeling or generosity towards anyone else, it wasn't his fault. She couldn't blame him for his look on the world. But she would show him that not everyone was the same. She would show him that she'd be there, no matter what. Family was home, too. She would try to be that for Lysander. And maybe...maybe one day he could be that for her, too. After all, she'd been homeless once before.

    After her mother passed, Remy felt the familiar ache of homesickness for months. Knowing that she had lived through it once before, and had come out stronger on the other end, made her feel a little better. She missed Hadley. She missed how she felt when she was with Hadley. But even that would end. And she'd be stronger for it, eventually.

    So why did she feel so sick, just thinking about it? A life without Hadley just didn't seem right, anymore. She flipped over, laying on her back and staring at the ceiling. The paint was peeling, the yellowish stained spots sticking out from the white paint even in the shadows. She wished furiously that Hadley was laying next to her. She closed her eyes and imagined she heard breathing. He'd be laying next to her, his curly hair dark against his pillow. Breathing in and out softly, his chest rising and falling. She wanted so badly to reach out and touch him.

    It wasn't fair that she couldn't have both. Why couldn't she have Hadley and Lysander?

    She flipped again, turning to stare at the wall. And so it went, for the rest of the night. Flipping and flopping and longing for things she knew she would have to get over.

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