did you miss me? [remrem]

Hadley wasn't sure if what he was doing was a good idea or not. It had been brought to his attention that Remy's forwarding address had changed, and out of curiosity he did a little digging and found out she was no longer living with Lysander. His first thought was, She finally figured out the truth about him! even though it was entirely possible that she'd moved out for some other reason. It didn't matter, though. Once that thought was in his head, he couldn't get it out.

He'd also felt a twinge of disappointment at the news, though. If Remy had indeed figured out that Lysander was an asshole and moved out, why hadn't she come back to the estate? He quickly reminded himself that Remy was stubborn--even more stubborn than him, and that was saying something--and that she was probably too proud to come back on her own.

That was why he decided it was about time to finally go talk to her. Nila was worried; Hadley was making a lot of assumptions here, and if just one of them was wrong then this could end up going pretty badly. Hadley himself knew that as well, but he had never been one to not do something just because it could end badly, so fuck it. He was going. If he was wrong, he was wrong, and it wasn't like he was losing anything he hadn't already lost.

Her new address actually wasn't incredibly far from the estate, so Hadley decided he'd go on his own. Travel was so much easier now that he'd gotten the hang of using that cane, which he hated to admit he was happy he'd gotten. He could focus on obstacles while Nila read him street signs. It took a while, but they made it to the apartment complex without incident.

Oh, this is it, apartment 4, Nila said once they were inside. Hadley took a short moment to collect himself, having no idea how Remy was going to react to him showing up on her doorstep. Oh well, he was about to find out. He knocked.

Remy was holding up the best she could, which was to say, not very well at all. She seemed okay on the outside, of course. She went to work, had chatted with Lincoln so as to make sure nothing seemed off, and was making sure to act as Remy-like as possible while in public. But behind the closed doors of her apartment, she was falling apart.

She had just moved in to a new apartment three days prior, a small thing located in the heart of Earalas. It was the nicest place she could get for her money, which meant it wasn't fantastic, but also that it wasn't the shithole she had lived in last. It was definitley more Remy than the other place, at the very least. Or, it had the potential to be.

Remy had spent her days half-heartedly decorating the living room and kitchen, putting up her trinkets and odds and ends. But the place looked awful. Dreadful. No matter what she did, she pulled it apart just hours later, deciding the place needed something different. She couldn't stop fidgeting, moving things around like she was cleaning for spring. Continuously. Instead of spending time outside or with Lincoln, she spent her time in her apartment tearing things apart just to rebuild them.

Somehow, it worked for her. By keeping herself busy with mindless things that didn't matter, she had conquered her feelings. Even the place that had been held by Hadley for the past few months felt empty. She felt no pain without Lysander or Hadley. She just felt numb. Which was exactly how she wanted it. Numb and busy. Busy and numb. And because sleep was out of the question, she had signed up for more shifts at the hotel. Now she didn't even need to worry about tossing and turning at night, because the during the rare moments she had for sleep she passed out instantly.

Remy was scrubbing the everloving shit out of her small kitchen table for the second time that day when she heard a knock at the door. She frowned. Linc had planned to come over today, but not until way later. She sat her towel down on the near-shining table and walked to the living room to open the door.

"Linc?" she asked, before realizing who it was. Not Linc. Definitely not Linc.

Hadley. Remy's stomach did some sort of flip that shouldn't have been possible before settling in her toes.

Hadley took a deep breath when he heard the doorknob turn, feeling uncharacteristically nervous. Whatever was going to happen was going to happen now. His grip on the cane tightened slightly. The door opened and, though he didn't quite catch what she said, Hadley heard Remy's voice for the first time in weeks and weeks. Despite his nervousness, he had to suppress a smile at the sound of it.

"Hey Rem," he said quietly. "Can I come in?"

What did her expression look like right now? he wondered. Surprised? Happy? ...Angry? Hopefully not angry. Probably surprised, judging by the stunned silence coming from her end.

Haddlebee wrote:"Hey Rem. Can I come in?"

Rem. Like nothing was different. Like nothing had changed.

"Hadley," she said, her voice coming out in a breath. She felt some sort of something wash over her. It was like feeling sad and happy and scared and guilty and relieved all at once. She didn't even know why he was here. All she knew was that he was.

"Of course you can come in," she told him, though she wasn't sure if she wanted him to or not. Would talking with him hurt more or less than not talking to him? That, and a million other questions poked at her brain as she stood out of the way, holding the door open for him. "I'm in the process of moving stuff around so be careful."

Hadley let out the breath he'd been holding. Okay. This was good. She wasn't angry, she wasn't turning him away. "Thanks," he said, his voice sounding pretty casual considering the last time they'd had a conversation it had been a huge argument that lead to them breaking up. He walked in, holding out his cane in response to her warning about moving stuff around.

The apartment smelled strongly like soap and cleaner. He wondered how Remy had adjusted from living in the estate with a full-time cleaning and kitchen staff to a tiny apartment that she had to take care of on her own. His cane bumped against a piece of furniture, and he reached out and felt the armrest of a couch. He sat. The couch was hard and scratchy and just all around uncomfortable. A minor discomfort, but still, Hadley couldn't believe she had gone from the estate to a place like this.

"Can we talk?" he asked, patting the seat next to him so that Remy would hopefully come sit too. Remy's initial reaction had him hopeful that this might actually go well after all.

The cane. Remy had known Hadley was using a cane because of the newspaper article, but it was something completely different to see him using it in clio. Just like seeing Hadley himself, Remy wasn't quite sure how she felt about the white stick. But it helped him maneuver around the living room with ease, even though it was somewhere he had never been before. Something bubbled in Remy's chest that she couldn't put a name to.

She watched him sit on the couch and pat next to him, and knew he wanted her to sit there. If she sat there their legs would probably be touching.

She followed him, but opted to sit on a chair that was opposite him. It would be easier this way. "What's up?" she asked him, matching his casual tone. She was pretty proud of herself for how natural the words came out, considering how she was feeling. What she really wanted to ask was "Why are you here?" or "How did you find me?" but she'd have to save those questions for later.

Hadley was slightly disappointed when Remy didn't sit by him, but at least she was open to talking with him. He wondered where he should even start. He wanted to ask if she'd come back to the estate, of course, but he also wanted to know what had happened with Lysander, and what had she been doing all this time, and had she missed him?

"It's been a while, hasn't it?" he said, thinking he should probably keep testing the waters a bit before asking her to come back. He settled on, "What've you been doing all this time?"

He found a loose thread on the couch and tugged at it absent-mindedly. A part of him wanted to jump right back into the playful rapport they'd had before breaking up, maybe make a comment about how heartbroken she must've been without him, but he had a strong feeling that she wouldn't respond very well to that right now.

A while. Remy wanted to laugh. She thought 'a while' might suit the time frame, but it didn't suit how long it had felt. "It really has been," she said with a fake smile. The voice she used was the type you use when you get coffee with someone you used to be close to. Was he here to judge her? To make her feel stupid for leaving? She wanted to ask him about the cane. About Solange or Dr. Carver. But mostly she wanted to know if he missed her.

She shrugged. "I've been busy. Working. Decorating." She held her hands up and laughed at herself. "The place is a mess. I can't decide what should go where." It was boring. It was all boring. "What about you? How are you?" He looked good. She hoped he was good. Remy hated herself for wanting to kiss him.

Working? So, she had found another job after all. Of course she had, it had been so long and she would have had bills to pay. Hopefully it wasn't any sort of job she liked, so that she'd quit and take her old one back. "Oh, working? Where at?" he asked conversationally, as if he didn't really care but was just politely curious.

He actually sort of laughed with her when she talked about how messy her apartment apparently was. "Well, if it makes you feel any better it definitely smells clean," he told her. He wondered if she'd kept those pictures she took, still hung them up. Probably not. At least not ones with him in them.

"I'm...good," he said, after a thoughtful pause, unable to find the right word to describe how he'd been. A lot really had happened since she'd left, and he wasn't sure what he should tell her about. Definitely not about Alicia. Jackson might be a safe topic though, being a guy and all. "I met this guy. A musician. He's teaching me how to play the piano." Also I missed you, and you should come back.

As civilly as their conversation was going, Remy still seemed kind of awkward. Like she was stuck talking to an old school acquaintance she'd never been particularly close to, and not her best friend of five years. It worried him a little. "You want me to come back? Oh, well, I'm really sorry, but I've moved on with this new job and all..." he could almost imagine her saying.

"The piano? Really?" Remy asked, surprised but happy. Music. Of course. It was Hadley's perfect photography. "Are you using the one in the ballroom?"

She felt a pang of jealousy, despite her happiness for him. Why hadn't she thought of that? Not that she could have taught him how to play, but. She had been too caught up in her own hobby to think that Hadley might want one of his own. The guilt slid around her stomach.

"That's exciting," she finished, not mentioning the guy he had brought up, though she did wonder what 'met a guy' meant. Like a friend? Or a hired hand, someone that was around solely for the piano? Remy wanted all the answers about what had happened in the time they hadn't seen each other, but she couldn't bring herself to ask.

"Yeah, the one in the ballroom," Hadley replied, noticing how she completely ignored his question about where she was working. Maybe that meant she really didn't like her new job. If she liked it, she'd want to talk about it, right? In the calmest, most casual voice he could possibly use, he added, "Maybe if you came back to the estate sometime I could play it for you...if you don't mind listening to basic scales over and over, since that's all I know."

Remy smiled, despite herself. "It's not going to hurt my ears, is it?" she asked through her smile. She silently thanked him for not bringing up her current job. She couldn't imagine admitting shed gone from an adviser to a hotel maid. Not to Hadley, at least.

"Personally I think I sound amazing," Hadley replied. "But I'm not entirely sure the rest of the staff agrees. Especially the ones whose bedrooms are right above the ballroom."

Remy hadn't disagreed, but she also hadn't really agreed. Not to mention he had been purposefully vague about whether he meant "come back to the estate to visit," or "come back to the estate to stay." He felt like he had danced around the subject long enough, and Remy had responded pretty well, so he may as well just go for it. "Sooo...you're saying yes, then? You'll come back?" he asked her.

Wait. What did he mean, come back? She thought he'd been joking about inviting her to hear his piano, or if not, that he had meant just that: coming to hear him play the piano. But now she wasn't so sure. Which meant she wasn't sure hoe to respond, either.

She paused. When had things gotten so awkward between her and Hadley? How had that even happened?

When you left him for Lysander? Hellloooo?

Vex was an asshole, but he reminded her of something. Hadley hadn't once mentioned her brother. Hadn't once asked if he'd ended up right about Lysander and his motives. Remy suddenly felt grateful. If Hadley was asking her to come back (which she was too pessimistic to allow herself to believe) that meant he knew about her split with Ly. Which she could only imagine should have caused a giant "I told you so." Instead, he hadn't even brought him up.

"To hear you play the piano?" she finally asked, knowing how lamely it came out. She had too many things running though her mind to worry about tone.

Remy was quiet for a long time, which made Hadley worried she was going to say no. The long silence was especially nerve-wracking since he didn't have Remy's face to gauge her reaction. But instead she finally just asked for a clarification, sounding confused. Okay, fair enough. Time to stop being vague. "Yeah. And maybe also to do some other stuff. Like live there again, or something."

He waited expectantly for her response.

Like live there again. Or something. Butterflies erupted in her tummy, fluttering around her chest cavity and causing her heart to spring into action. It thumped so triumphantly she was sure Hadley could hear it from his spot on the couch.

"Why?" she responded, choking down her emotions and trying to stay calm. A half hour ago she had been gearing up for living alone, scrubbing the mess out of her life and trying to figure out how to restart. Now here was Hadley, asking her to come home.

She wanted to go, of course. But she'd relied on Hadley's pity once before (which she knew now was not pity at all, but amusement--but it didn't change how she'd felt, begging him for a job in the first place), and knew she wouldn't be able to stomach it again. If he was only here because he had heard about Lysander and felt sorry for her...

Why? What did she mean, why? Why the hell did she think? "Remy," he said exasperatedly. Did she not remember him trying to get her to stay? Him admitting how much he cared about her? She had blown him off then, which Hadley had attributed to being in the heat of the argument. But even now that things had calmed down and were civil, did she really not believe he wanted her there? "Why wouldn't I want you to come home?"

"I don't know, maybe because of how I treated you?" she admitted quietly. Perhaps it was the guilt that had made her so miserable the past few days. Her anger at Hadley had been replaced entirely by the guilt of knowing the awful things she said were completely unwarranted. She'd felt bad before, but once she realized it had been Lysander who was lying she had realized how truly awful she had been.

She shook her head, hating herself for what she had said and wishing she could take it back. She didn't regret things very often--she believed things happened for a reason and that you could only move forward with your experiences being the driving force. But she hadn't forgiven herself for what she said to him.

"What?" Hadley asked in surprise. "You mean when you left?"

To be honest, he hadn't been mad about the things Remy had said to him in anger that day. Sure, he'd maybe been a little hurt at how easily she'd been willing to believe Lysander over him, but he blamed that more on Lysander. He had manipulated Remy's feelings from the start to get her on his side.

"Hey, I'm over it," he told her, shaking his head. "It wasn't your fault."

"I should have trusted you," she told him. "You were right. I didn't know Lysander. I don't know Lysander." She hadn't talked to her brother since the moment she walked out the door on his birthday. She still didn't know what to say to him--didn't know if she even wanted to say anything. "I was so stupid."

Normally, Remy admitting that Hadley had been right would have been cause for some petty satisfaction, and maybe entailed some teasing. But surprisingly Hadley didn't feel satisfied, nor did he have any desire to tease Remy for being wrong. Maybe it was because of how unlike herself she seemed, calling herself "stupid." He had never heard her refer to herself like that before. He didn't like it.

"You weren't stupid," he told her, even though she sort of had been. He couldn't hold it against her, though. She missed her mother, she wanted a family, and asshole Lysander had taken advantage of that. "I don't blame you for what happened."

"I blame me." It was the root of the problem. Lysander had played her, and she had gone willingly into his trap. That didn't happen to Remy. Remy was stronger than that. Smarter than that. And she had let everything fall to the wayside as Lysander stripped her bare. She had given him everything, and he had let her do it without a care. She had given up Hadley, who was her best friend and who she cared about more than anything for someone who had lied to her for months.

Hadley wasn't sure there was anything he could say that would make Remy believe that it wasn't her fault she had been tricked. Gods, he wished there was some way he could get back at Lysander for making Remy feel this way. Lysander was damn lucky that Hadley had given up his old vindictive ways.

"Wellllll," he said slowly, pretending to look thoughtful. "You could always make it up to me by...moving back in." He raised his eyebrows and smiled in her direction expectantly.

She couldn't stop a smile from spreading across her face. "Welllll," Remy said, using the same slow, thoughtful voice. "I did just sign the lease to this shiny new apartment here," she said, gesturing around at the apartment that was anything but shiny.

The butteflies in her tummy were dancing at full force now, fluttering around through her chest and out her throat. Hadley had found her and he wanted her to come back. Hadley didn't care that she had been a jerk (possibly because that was usually his own full-time title) or care that she hadn't bothered speaking a word to him since she left months ago. Well. Perhaps he cared. But he was willing to look past it, and that was all that mattered.

"But my shoes don't fit in the closet," she continued. In reality, they barely fit in her room, unless she left them in boxes. Which was a great injustice, really. "So, I mean, I guess moving back to the estate wouldn't be that much of an issue," she said through a smile.

Hadley's smile grew as Remy joked about moving back in because of her shoes. She was coming back. He reached over for her until he found her arm and grasped it, getting to his feet at the same time. "Let's go, then," he said, lightly trying to pull her up too. His tone and mannerisms were playful, but he was completely serious about leaving right now. "I can have someone come get your stuff later."